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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Why am I cheating on my boyfriend?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Relationships
    My boyfriend had to move interstate for his job and I miss him so much.

    I find myself so lonely and depressed that I go looking for guys to spend time with and end up cheating.

    These flings do not mean anything to me as I still love my boyfriend of 3 years and do not wish to lose him.

    Should I tell him that I have been unfaithful or just let it pass?

    I am 20 years old and trying to find myself as he is my first boyfriend and sexual partner.

    Please help.
    • 2 answers
    • Margie Ulbrick
    • Vivienne Colegrove
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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    It sounds like you are feeling pretty low. I suggest that as you go through this transition in your life you reach out and get some support. It's good that you have done so on this website. It's now time to go and see a counsellor to help you work out some of these complex issues you face. 

    Keeping secrets in a relationship has a big effect.

    Being open and honest will also have effects and it will help you to get some support as you work through the meaning of your behaviour.

    It may help you to work out who you are as you try and find yourself by starting to ask questions about your values and what you believe.

    Then aligning your behaviour with those values is the next step.

    While you are afraid of losing your boyfriend you are also in a place which feels pretty lonely and where you are putting yourself at risk of the very thing you don't want which is losing the relationship.

    It is a tricky place to be and I wish you all the best as you take some time to work out what you want and who you are. This is a necessary part of being an adult and taking responsibility for yourself. Good luck.

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    Thanks

    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like you are struggling to understand yourself - your thoughts say one thing, your behaviour is saying something else. 

    While it's certainly possible that you do love your boyfriend, and you are spending time with other people because you are lonely, there are other possible reasons that you are being unfaithful, that may be more difficult to make sense of. Counselling can give you the guidance and support to connect to the feelings driving your behaviour, and start to make sense of what is going on underneath. It can be difficult sometimes to give ourselves permission to feel the way we do, and to make sense of our powerful and seemingly irrational feelings that drive our actions.

    For example…

    You may feel angry at your boyfriend for being so far away and leaving you behind, but aren't allowing yourself to be with this feeling, because rationally you know he had to go. You push this feeling away, feel guilty for having the feeling at all, then find that you are not coping with your anger or guilt, and so you reach out to other men as a way to escape from dealing with these.

    The purpose of figuring out what is going on underneath is so you can then work out better ways to manage these difficult feelings - for example, talk with your boyfriend about whether it is possible to move interstate to be with him, to find a way to meet up more often, whether face-to-face or via Skype/telephone etc, or work out ways to get your emotional needs met for connectedness and companionship that don't put your relationship at risk.

    Al the best.

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