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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    A friend with depression is pushing me away. How should I react?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Relationships
    My friend and I live in 2 different states but we were still very close, speaking to each other nearly everyday. A few months ago he started to back off quite a bit & I started getting pissed off as I was unaware anything was wrong. It just went from intense to nothing. I didn't know what to think but writing this now I probably came across very selfish but not meaning to. We talked on and off for a few weeks and then I heard nothing for a while. I then reached out to him again about a month ago and he told me he thought he had a little bit of depression. I have always cared about him but I now thought I need to do everything I can to help without being too overwhelming. It's hard when I don't live local to him but I have told him I am there for him & gave him space. I reached out quite a few times and there's been nothing. I don't know what to do but I am obviously concerned. If I keep texting am I pushing him further away? Maybe he is doing fine now and just doesn't want me as a friend. Help...
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like you're unsure whether your friend has let you know he has depression as a way to let you down gently, or to communicate he needs your help. One way you could deal with this is to give your friend some information about depression - a great place to start is the Beyond Blue website https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression - they also have information and support for concerned family and friends. However, if you suspect your friend is, in fact, simply trying to let you know he is wanting to ease off on the friendship, you may find it helpful to ask him about this directly. That way you can know where you stand, in order to move on either with or without him. All the best.

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  • Niamh Nixon

    HealthShare Member

    Thanks Vivienne

    I thought the same about him just not wanting to be friends however when he told me he had a little depression at the start of last month,  he also said he was just trying to sort his headspace out but he didn't mind me texting or calling. So if that was the case I would have expected him to say not to contact him again. 

    I'll pass on the information on Beyond Blue so thanks again!

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    John Bal

    Counsellor

    As a counsellor I am interested in an interactive conversation with people about their lives and the problem(s) which have brought them to counselling. I … View Profile

    This sounds like a difficult and challenging situation for you, partly because your friendship has changed and partly because you worry about your friend but are unable to find out what is really going on or whether you can help.  

    I wonder if it would help you to think of the situation this way; perhaps it is not the friend that is pushing you away, but it is 'depression' that is driving a wedge between the two of you. Depression invites people to isolate themselves and this is very hard for the people that care about the person with depression.  

    If the friend doesn't seem to be willing or able to accept your offers of help at this time, perhaps you can let them know that when they get stronger against depression that you would still be there waiting to reconnect with them (if you feel that is possible for you).  This lets the friend know that you understand that they are more than their depression, and you value the friendship even while they are struggling.

    As a final offer of help you could let him know that if he thinks there is something you could help with you would  be happy for him to ask you.

    Good luck in a difficult situation.  Depression is a formidable foe.

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