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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How do I deal with my defiant 4 year old?

    Related Topics
    Parenting Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) Relationships
    I have always had the sweetest, most easy to raise 4 year old. He has been very loving, willing to please, cooperative & easy going.

    My husband & I separated 2 months ago. Son was upset when we first told him, but we talked about the advantages of us being separated (me eating with them every night, rather than waiting for Dad), Dad spending more time with them, etc, etc. He appeared to adjust well.

    I took my 2 year old daughter & son on a week's holiday 3 weeks ago. Since returning he has been very emotional & easily upset. He gets an idea in his head & will not listen to explanation as to why it can't happen (eg getting more bubble wrap when the post office is not open). I try to acknowledge his feelings & demonstrate that i know what he wants, to explain why it can't happen & then come up with a solution, eg let's do x instead. His response is to keep yelling what he wants, getting very upset, running away & slamming doors.

    How do I deal with this & help him to express feelings?
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    • Heidi Edwards
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  • Heidi Edwards

    Counsellor, Hypnotherapist

    I have been a counsellor for over 15 years and have been supervising other counsellors for approximately 10 years. I do counselling support with people … View Profile

    It sounds like your son is trying to learn how to deal with the seperation. Was this the first holiday without Dad? This may have helped him to realise that Dad isnt a present part of the family (meaning that he no longer lives at home, not attending holidays etc). 

    At the age of 4 children do not have the cognitive capability to be able to rationalise and come up with practical solutions. He seems to be expressing his feelings well by showing when he is upset and angry, and you are doing well to acknowledge them. It is a confusing time for little ones.

    The best option is to continue what you are doing and ensure that you remain consistant. Use the same parenting techniques you used before the seperation and the holiday. Use the same consequences for inappropriate or unsafe behaviours, such as the running away or door slamming. You can give extra time when possible for cuddles and reassurance, but mostly try to keep the routine consistent, firm and fair. Too much talk confuses little ones, so try not to explain to much to him, just keep it simple and focus on his feelings rather than the details of the seperation.

    I hope this helps.

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