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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How do I move on from a relationship when I have so much anger and too many unanswered questions?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    Separated last year, but still hold a lot of anger in the seperation. Even though it was I that left, I didn't feel loved for some time. But why, I did everything for her, and forgot about me. Yet I think of her every day, remembering things good and bad. Just can't seem to move on.
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    Rob Montgomery

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    I am a Psychotherapist & Counsellor. I believe we are continually involved in the process of Growth and Change which challenges our assumptions of who … View Profile

    Anger is a powerful emotion and can develop into inappropriate behaviour if it is not checked. So how do we check it? Let’s normalise anger for a sec, it is OK to be angry – it is how we display anger that can get us into trouble. You should allow anger to be part of ‘moving on’ – say to yourself; ‘I feel anger towards her for not loving me after I tried so hard’ – then add – ‘but I have made a decision to move on’. You need to ask yourself – ‘when will I be happy’ - also it should be asked - ‘who am I living my life for’.
    Visualisation technique is a powerful therapeutic intervention tool which may allow a client to visualise a ‘preferred future’ - along with focusing on a toolkit of coping tools to cater for the unwanted anger issues.
    You have suffered a loss and it requires all the 5 stages of grief & loss to be endured until reaching acceptance.

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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    So in a way you have answered your own question. You are finding it difficult to move on because there are still unresolved questions and much anger. Although you have separated you are still tied to her as you think about her every day. Relationships rarely end in a neat way and we are often left with unresolved quetions. If you cannot talk with her, you might consider writing it all out on paper, writing all about what was never expressed and writing out your anger. Then you could go through a ritual like shredding the paper and letting it go. Talking to a therapist would also be a very good idea as it will help you to manage these constant interrupting thoughts and move forward and on with your own life. It takes time to get over a relationship and it is normal to feel pain and loss when we lose someone we love.  You say that you forgot all about you so perhaps now you can give yourself that gift of attending to you. All the best.

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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It can be hard to realize that even where you are the one who has ended a relationship, you still may have to work through grief about it ending. As Rob has said, it takes time to heal after experiencing a loss. In addition to all the excellent points made by others, I would encourage to work on your current most important relationship - your relationship with yourself. Treating yourself with love and compassion may need to be your priority right now. Allowing yourself to be nurtured and cared for is of utmost importance - you may do that by going to see a counsellor and being supported to feel and process your painful emotions. You may also need to draw on the support of friends and family. Many of us are not in the habit of treating ourselves in the way we would treat a loved one - think about what you would like to receive from a partner and find a way to give this to yourself, or to ask others for it. Examples might be - getting a massage, cooking yourself a great meal, doing something to calm and soothe yourself when you're upset.

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