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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    I'm gay and I want to tell my friend. Will it ruin our friendship?

    Related Topics
    Relationships Sexual Health Sexual Identity - LGBTI
    I have a best friend that is a girl and I'm a guy and I fell like I have to tell her that I'm gay, she can't stand the effeminate ones but I'm not at all and I don't know how she's going to react when I tell her or if we are going to be the same best friends like always. I don't know if I have to tell her or not.
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  • Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    This is a tricky one! On the one hand you are worried that if you tell your best friend you are gay, you  you may be judged negatively, perhaps even lose the friendship. On the other hand, not telling her means the opportunity to get support from someone close is lost. Telling her is a risk - only you can work out whether this is a risk worth taking. Weigh up the pros and cons and then do a ‘cost-benefit analysis’ - all this means is deciding whether the benefits of telling her outweigh the risks.
    I wonder how ‘out’ you are more generally about your sexuality - do other friends know? Does your family know? The journey of coming out can be a long one. If you have not already done so, it may be helpful to connect to support within the gay community, to hear other people's stories about how they have dealt with similiar issues. A good place to start may be linking into a support group in your area - these are often available through local community services.
    Alll the best with it!

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  • Jeremy Barbouttis

    Counsellor, Hypnotherapist, Psychotherapist, Sex Therapist

    Jeremy is an expert in Hypnotherapy, Psychotherapy, Sex Therapy, Relationships & Addictions. Jeremy is a Clinical Supervisor with the Australian Hypnotherapists Association.Specialisations: Stop Smoking Hypnosis, … View Profile

    I think Vivienne is spot on. The idea of telling your friends and risking the friendship deteriorating is certainly a scary one. The benefit of a support group is that you can hear about others' experiences in going on the same journey. I don't know if anyone can tell you what impact this would have on your friendships, as it could go better than expected. So, finding out about what others in the same boat recently experienced would give you a guide to the possibilities. It does take a lot of courage, and working out what is right for you and building the courage to take whatever steps you feel are right is the journey you are on. Talking to someone/others is a positive first step.

    Best wishes to you along the way.

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  • Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    It does sound like a connundrum. What to do? We are all faced at times with difficulties around honesty and our integrity. At the end of the day we have to live with ourselves. Some people don't feel uncomfortable about a certain level of not being open and others feel less comfortable with this. It seems like you need to decide what you can live with. She is your best friend. You fear being judged by her. No one can know in advance if this will ruin your friendship. It does bring up questions as to how strong the friendship is. Relationships change all the time as we do. That's the one known thing in life. However, navigating that change can be difficult. We want friends who want the best for us, who support our growth and our journey in life. Sadly, sometimes people disappoint us. We can feel let down or judged. If we don't feel free to be ourselves in a friendhip this is also a difficulty. It's a bit of a juggle. Balancing your need for friendhip, to be honest, to feel comfortable with the decisions you make. Counselling can really help sort this out for you and I think you might find it very supportive so that you can work out what is best for you. All the best, Margie

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