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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Why do some people feel more suicidal when a friend hasn't talked to them?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health
    • 2 answers
    • Richard Hill
    • Wyley Hargraves
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  • Richard Hill

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    Resident counsellor/psychotherapist at the Davis Health Centre with a solution focused approach; an international lecturer on the neuroscience and psychosocial genomics of human behaviour; author … View Profile

    Feeling suicidal is a complex thing and is more about a number of things adding up to the impossible overwhelm or underwhelm that is the feeling of suicide. Overwhelm is when it is all too much; underwhelm is when it just isn't worth the bother. Both are sad stories for whomever is suffering.

    The reason why talking to a friend is so helpful is very much to do with what makes us human. In Interpersonal Neurobiology we talk about the triangle of being - mind, brain and relationship. We are directly linked to others through a variety of systems and these sytems are turned on when we are in the company of others. Friends add an emotional weight to the situation that stimulates our interpersonal systems even more effectively than just another person.

    When we smile and look directly at someone and speak with a gentle, supportive tone we trigger a system that promotes feelings of connectedness and usefulness and gives us a sense of being alive. Loneliness and feeling useless, or worse, a burden, are the ingredients that give rise to suicidal feelings. Without friends to talk to, these feelings can fester and grow in a suicidal intent and then things can become very dangerous.

    The campaign, R U OK, is designed directly around the idea that just by speaking to someone with a little care and concern you can turn them away from darker thoughts and desperate actions. A friend is great, but even if you are not a friend you can start the conversation and maybe help to find their friend - be a mate and help find their mate!

    There is a lot of academic foundation to this answer. For those interested you might like to look into Mirror Neurons(Rizzolatti; Iacoboni), the Polyvagal Theory (Porges), Broaden and Build (Fredrickson) and Interpersonal Neurobiology (Siegel; Badenoch). There is more, but that is a great start. You can find free resources at www.mindscienceinstitute.com if you wish to learn more.

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  • Wyley Hargraves

    Counsellor

    I'm passionate about helping families, couples and individuals with the pressure of life, no matter where the difficulties originate. In therapy we find the source … View Profile

    This is a very good question. One of the most important things about relationships with people is connecting - being able to connect on personal issues or issues that are troubling them. The biggest danger in relationships is when someone feels isolated and alone. If there's no connection a person may feel isolated and that's when negative thoughts tend to play heavily in their thought processes. Speaking to people (friends, associates, counselors, or psychologists) will certainly allow any negative thoughts to be challenged or to be processed in a way that brings some clarity to thoughts of self-harm or suicide. There is a process that includes connecting, understanding and then eventually helping someone who is thinking of suicide, to make a life choice instead.

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