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    Why do I feel like my husband and kids deserve better than me?

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    I'm 27, married and have two children. I'm a stay at home mum during the day but work at Coles doing night fill durin the night. I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager but I feel like the reason I am depressed is because I also have really low self esteem and am a bit socially phobic. I try do hard to change the way I think and talk to myself but still deep down I just hate the person I am and wish I could be better. I've always felt awkward around people and I hate the way I look. Even though my husband tells me all the time I'm beautiful I still look at myself and just feel ugly. I go to the gym a few times a week which helps make me feel better because sometimes I think if I look normal well I can just blend in and people won't notice how stupid I am. But It only works to a certain extant because I still feel stupid and awkard all the time.

    I also seem to be more depressed when I am working. I can't seem to cope. But also feel lonely being stuck at home.

  • Image of Motherof2

    Healthshare Member
    Sorry about all the typos. 

    I just wanted to add but there wasn't enough room left that I do feel suicidal sometimes. But I would never act on it because I couldn't do that to my family. But I am finding it hard to cope with day to day life and I wish I could go to a hotel and sleep for a few days. I feel sorry for my husband because he is always so supportive and deserves so much better. My kids deserve better too but they don't really have a choice. I am their mother and I have to be strong for them. I just don't really know what to do. Is it also selfish if I don't want to work? I feel much more relaxed and organised at home when im
    not working. We manage financially when I wasn't but I also know the extra money helps and my husband really wants me to work. Sorry for complaining. I am gla though that I didn't just put all this on my husband.
  • Image of Grant McKell

    Grant McKell Pro

    Psychologist
    Grant McKell is a counselling psychologist working in Sydney's inner west with over ten years' experience. He founded HeadsUp Psychology in August, 2011. Having worked ... View Profile
    • Hurlstone Park, NSW 0402231839
    • Stanmore, NSW 0402231839
    • Dulwich Hill, NSW 0402231839
    Wow, you have an awesome relationship with your husband. You obviously care about him so much that you are concerned for how he is doing. I can see that love in how much guilt you are putting on yourself about your relationship with him, but I really don't think that helps! And he seems really supportive and caring.
    Work appears to be a stressor, so you may be able to access support through their Employee Assistance Program (ask your HR department if you don't know how to access this, but Coles definitely have this program running!).
    I would also urge you to see your GP and discuss what is happening for you, seeking a referral to a psychologist, as this is not the sort of thing you are going to be able to handle on your own. You do need to seek professional help, as the suicidal thoughts, the wanting to sleep in a hotel- these all point to quite a significant level of depression.
    When you meet your psychologist, make sure that you can relate to them easily. If you can't, tell them so and seek out another psychologist (or ask for a referral) that you do relate to. The therapeutic relationship between you and your psychologist will be very important.
    You can find psychologists at www.psychology.org.au/find-a-psychologist or, if you like, I would be happy to help. My details can be found on my profile page.
    Keep us posted about how things go for you.
  • Image of Louise Shepherd

    Louise Shepherd

    Clinical Psychologist
    I am a clinical psychologist with 15 years experience working with all sorts of goals and issues. I love working with people, helping them to ... View Profile
    Great advice from Grant. I feel very sad reading about your situation and hope you do decide to seek some assitance to learn more effective ways to care about yourself. 

    Our mind can play such awful tricks and we can believe all sorts of terrible things about ourselves - learning skills to not believe this stuff so much may really help.

    Finding a psychologist as Grant suggests is a great step. You might want to ask your GP about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to learn some skills to start living a better life - the one you deserve

    Wishing you well. 
  • Image of Motherof2

    Healthshare Member
    Thank you both for your kind responses and advice :) 
    I have a referral to see a psychologist. I've actually had it for about 6 months but have kept putting it off just because of the cost. I will make an appointment though now. I know how important it is to be happy and healthy for my family and me. I really want to be. I'm so lucky and have no reason to feel this way so hopefully with help I can change to way I think :) I'm feeling much better this week too.
    Thanks so much again. 
  • Image of Grant McKell

    Grant McKell Pro

    Psychologist
    Grant McKell is a counselling psychologist working in Sydney's inner west with over ten years' experience. He founded HeadsUp Psychology in August, 2011. Having worked ... View Profile
    • Hurlstone Park, NSW 0402231839
    • Stanmore, NSW 0402231839
    • Dulwich Hill, NSW 0402231839
    Motherof2,

    Really glad to hear that you are feeling better this week and that you are going to use that referral.

    If cost is an issue, be sure to discuss this with your psychologist as well and see what they can do for you. I know I'm mindful in my practice of not exacerbating problems by introducing financial stress into their lives and most other practitioners would have the same attitude. But they need to know it's an issue to help make a plan with you on how to make that aspect of things ok.

    Really glad that you replied back, too!
  • Image of Motherof2

    Healthshare Member
    Hi, I wrote this post about 12 months ago and I was just reading over it and thinking how differently I feel now. I did start seeing a psychologist who was just amazing and helped me so much. She has shown me so many different strategies that I can use when I am feeling down or when I am struggling. Even just being able to talk to someone without worrying about worrying them was a huge help. After each session I would leave feeling positive and refreshed somehow. I still have set backs especially socially but at least I understand now how to challenge my thinking. My husband is still so supportive although i know at times it had been really hard on him. it was a bit of a learning experience for him too. Thank you for the advice to go and see a psychologist. It made all the difference :)
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