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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    In a major pickle......love or security?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 2. He is a great provider and is a decent human who I know cares for me a great deal. However, his communication sucks and he is not affectionate or attentive and I don't find myself attracted to him anymore. This is where it gets tricky, I have recently rekindled a relationship with an ex boyfriend from about 8 years ago. We dated the year we left college. I have voiced my concerns to him about my marriage and how I'm feeling and he seems to just get where I'm coming from and sometimes I don't even have to say it, he knows exactly what I mean. I have voiced my concerns to my husband, he also knows that this relationship with my ex has rekindled and still wants to make us work. This is my question...what is more important, a secure life without the passion and intimacy, or an incredibly passionate genuinely earth shattering kind of love but without the same guarantees of financial security? I am genuinely conflicted!!
    • 2 answers
    • Vivienne Colegrove
    • Michael Nelson
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  • Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    From the way you have phrased your enquiry, it sounds like you are aware that there is no right or wrong answer; however there will be an answer that is right or wrong for you. Counselling may be a place where you can explore the pros and cons of each alternative in a non-judgemental space, and work out what is right for you. You are wise not to rush into a decision. Early stages of relationships are characterized by attraction, or the feeling of being 'in love' - this does not last for long, and is replaced in longer-term relationships by a different definition of love - one more akin to friendship, where it takes the right kind of ongoing work to maintain intimacy and deep connectedness. Relationship counselling may a way for you and your husband to work on either developing or rekindling ways of communicating and responding to each other's needs that may achieve this, or to determine whether you are each willing to put in the work to transform your relationship in a way that will better meet the other's needs.

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  • Michael Nelson

    Counsellor

    I work in partnership with my clients to achieve the best possible outcome, specific to my clients goals and objectives. I am most experienced in … View Profile

    From an attachment view of love. Your husband might be shutting down because he knows things are not too good in the relationship and does not know what to do about it. He could be feeling inadequate or afraid to 'rock the boat' if he speaks up. It is his way of protecting the relationship out of fear of losing you. Security seems important for you, which makes sense from an attachment perspective. For when our security is threatened we become anxious. You want security, but your relationship is distant. This can be rectified by connecting and emotionally engaging with your partner, which usually results in stronger emotional bonds and greater intimacy in relationship. If you feel you are unable to do this, then you will need some help, either by reading a good book on love relationship or seeing a relationship counsellor. I am available on-line or you could look up an EFCT therapist on the ICEEFT website, for a therapist in your location. A good book is "Hold Me Tight" by Dr Sue Johnson.

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