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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How do I let go of a past "relationship" while continuing as friends?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    Having just left a ten year relationship, “Mr Perfect” suddenly appeared in my life, but back then I was not ready to love him. We never became a couple, but remained close and I then moved to another country.

    I then got a new boyfriend, “My Man”. But 1.5 years into the relationship, my mind suddenly told me that I was in love with Mr Perfect, who now lived overseas. I spent the last year secretly comparing My Man and Mr Perfect, always being disappointed at My Man, it's caused me unnecessary pain.

    Mr Perfect is now with my friend, they are so happy and it's been hard for me to accept them. It affects my own relationship - I blame myself for not making the “right choice” before, thinking that “ it should have been me” and now I have to “settle with what I have”.

    I want to keep Mr Perfect in my life as he is a great friend, but I'm worried that I will continue to compare him to any relationship I have and thus never be satisfied. How can I keep the friendship AND be truly happy?
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  • 2

    Thanks

    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    You may find that it helps you to find what it is about the idealised version of your “Mr Perfect” that is keeping you from fully committing to whoever you are with. Does he remind you of other losses, perhaps a loss of a period in your life when you were younger or more carefree? Often there are factors in our history that cause us to find it difficult to commit to intimacy and so we have “one foot out the door” by idealising some other fantasy like “ Mr Perfect”. It would be beneficial for you to work through this with a Counsellor as there are possibly some conflicts which need to be resolved before you can be fully present in a relationship. This would help you decide if it is wise for you to keep “Mr Perfect” in your life as a friend. All the best.

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  • 2

    Thanks

    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    You may find that it helps you to find what it is about the idealised version of your “Mr Perfect” that is keeping you from fully committing to whoever you are with. Does he remind you of other losses, perhaps a loss of a period in your life when you were younger or more carefree? Often there are factors in our history that cause us to find it difficult to commit to intimacy and so we have “one foot out the door” by idealising some other fantasy like “ Mr Perfect”. It would be beneficial for you to work through this with a Counsellor as there are possibly some conflicts which need to be resolved before you can be fully present in a relationship. This would help you decide if it is wise for you to keep “Mr Perfect” in your life as a friend. All the best.

    Reply to this post
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    Report
  • Caroline Lo Grandjean-Thomsen

    HealthShare Member

    Many thanks, Margie. I have noticed that Mr Perfect represents a lot of the things I value and want to be. Mr Perfect has also told me that a lot of the confusion I am feeling has to do with the fact that I don't understand my parents. I have started seeing a relationships psychologist to explore this connection. I appreciate your response.

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