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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How do I like myself? Depressed and lonely

    Related Topics
    Depression Eating Disorders Mental Health
    i hate my life, my friends are terrible and probably safe to say i have no real friends. i don't know what has happened for this to have happened as i can be a nice and giving friend. this makes me feel lonely, “uncool, ugly”. I hate that everyone is in relationships or has a solid group of reliable friends. be lonely makes me feel bored so i turn to food, i've put on weight so makes me feel worse, i hate that i can't stop eating so makes me more upset and turn back to food for comfort. i lack self confidence and feel inadequate in everything i do. i feel stupid because i can't even maintain friendships long enough to have reliable friends. i hate liars and feel that's all that my friends are. i feel i used to be a strong person but i keep making these same mistakes. i don't know what's wrong with me other than i hate this person that i've become. how do i feel good about myself when everything seems to never go the way that i want.
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    Dr Simon Easterbrook-Smith

    Health Professional

    My research interests include immunology and the mechanisms of amyloid formation. The latter has implications for people who are dealing with Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease … View Profile

    What has helped me is to keep and add to a “Positive things about me” list, which I read regularly.

    From reading what you have written, two positive things about you are obvious:

    (1) You are a brave person because you have reached out for help on Healthshare.

    (2) You are a compassionate person because you "can be a nice and giving friend."

    What say you add to my list - I am sure that there will be many other positive things about you.

    All the best.

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  • Kim Hopson

    Counselling Psychologist, Psychologist

    Kim is a counselling psychologist who has been in private practice for over 20 years, helping adults, adolescents and couples. Kim is interested in helping … View Profile

    Reaching out in this way is the first step to getting back in control of your life. You don't say how old you are and this can contribute to what you are going through right now. Being angry and hurt and depressed can be a debilitating place to be and people can become quite immobilised. While eating is one way to get comfort as you say it's in fact contributing to your feeling bad, lonely, upset and angry. When people feel like this it is very difficult to attract and be attracted to the right people.
    It might be worth taking some time to try and reflect on what could possibly be going on for you that you are in such a terrible place, why you are making the same mistakes. This sounds like a crisis time, and personal crises mean it's an opportunity for change. Talking to someone who is objective might help you ask yourself the hard questions and in turn help you find some answers. Becoming empowered takes a risk, then again living like this sounds like a risk - to your health and overall wellbeing, and future. Finding the courage to talk to someone suitably qualified and where you will feel safe to explore these big questions will help you feel better about yourself.

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    Emma Webster

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    I am a warm, supportive and compassionate therapist, committed to assisting my clients to connect to their inner wisdom and strength, to develop mindful awareness … View Profile

    I agree with the above responses in that you have been really brave in reaching out for help. Some of our most basic needs as humans are to feel love and emotional connection and when these needs are met it contributes to us feeling lovable and worthy. Wanting to connect is human, there is nothing wrong in feeling like this and it makes sense that feeling lonely has really impacted on you.
     
    When we feel lonely, it is the painful awareness that we don’t feel connected, and it is often accompanied by feelings of emptiness, disconnection, sadness, resentment or anxiety. In many ways being aware that you have been feeling like this is helpful in that it signals that it is time to make changes, to begin the process of developing connection in your life, with your self, others and the environment.
     
    It is important to remember that the feeling of loneliness comes and goes, and that just because you feel lonely there is no need to define yourself by it. Eating seems to have become a way for you to “get rid” of your feelings and give you comfort which might help you in the short term, however in the long term maintains unpleasant feelings and does not solve the issues you are facing. You would benefit from techniques to learn how to cope and accept your emotions with acceptance, kindness and compassion.
     
    Working with an experienced therapist might also help you to understand your ways of relating to others and determine if there are any unhelpful patterns that are impacting on your ability to connect. Awareness can empower you to make helpful changes to build stronger and more fulfilling connections with other people.
     
    Some constructive ways to respond to your loneliness and to connect might be:

    • Connect with yourself through mindfulness, self-care, engaging in pleasurable and relaxing activity, starting a hobby or exercising
    • Connect with other people through involving yourself in group activity; let others know that you are interested in meeting up for a walk, lunch or dinner; smile, nod and say hello to strangers; volunteer; reconnect with old friends or family; attend a community event; play with a pet
    • Connect with the environment through taking a walk in the park, browse through a museum or art gallery, swimming etc
     
    An experienced therapist would be able to help you explore these issues and I would be happy to discuss this with you further.

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