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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    When is it a time to say goodbye ?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Suicide Prevention
    I have emotional pain that seem to happen again and again.
    I seem to have tried everything to protect myself or accept, but the pain strikes the way I cannot bear it.
    I trust no-one and no-one trusts in me; The only thing I ever wanted in life is to be a good, normal person.
    I look in the mirror and see an ugly and tired face with no hope for love. No one tells me ‘I'm a loser’ but no one is my friend.
    The days drag. And I feel alone with a body made from lead and brain limited to experience of pain.
    I do not feel as if I am improving. I feel as though my blackness silences or antagonizes everyone around me.
    • 2 answers
    • Richard Hill
    • Margie Ulbrick
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    Richard Hill

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    Resident counsellor/psychotherapist at the Davis Health Centre with a solution focused approach; an international lecturer on the neuroscience and psychosocial genomics of human behaviour; author … View Profile

    This is certainly a harsh and dark picture of the quality of your life. It is obvious that this is something that needs changing, but that is exactly the question you ask - is change possible.

    First I want to acknowledge that you are having these experiences and that you feel these pains. I wonder, though, that just sending this question indicates that you still think it is possible to make a shift. Maybe that is the best starting point.

    There are several fundamental needs in our lives. The first is a connection with others. You say quite clearly here that you don't believe you have much. One important thing for me is that you use the term ‘no-one’. That kind of very big statement is just that - very big. I heard a survivor of suicide speaking to someone who said ‘no-one’ and what the survivor said was a little silly, but also true - “So, you have asked everyone and they have all said they don't trust you?”

    The answer, of course, is that he hadn't asked everyone in the whole world and so the question is now out there: You may not have found anyone … yet. Although this is not the forum to be giving meaningful therapy - that requires some face to face experience and some time - I want to suggest something to you that has the possibility of making a change in your brain:

    Now that we know it is possible that it is not ‘everyone’, I wonder what might happen if you became curious about who it is that might be able to trust you. I wonder what would happen if you started a bit of a search to find out?

    A good start would be to go on a walk and try to smile at people as you pass them by. We don't want to push too hard and stop them for a converstion or to do some proof of trusting, but I wonder if you smile at enough people that some of them might trust your smile enough to smile back?

    I wonder if, while you're on this walk testing out smiling, whether, if you see someone who needs a hand - opening a door, picking up a dropped package etc - if they will trust you enough to let you help? I wonder if you will trust yourself enough to help?

    It just seems to me that you have to test this idea you have that no-one trusts you. I have a strong feeling that might not be exactly true. It may be an exaggeration. And it may just be that some of the other things you think might have a bit of exaggeration, too. I wonder what you can do with finding the exceptions to the rules you now believe. Or maybe even find that these rules aren't correct after all.

    Most importantly, it is important for you to make some connection with someone. It might be your local doctor or perhaps a counsellor or even a psychologist. I'm not sure how old you are, but there are some great people at Headspace in Sydney and other regions. Google it and give them a call. I have a friend who found them fantastic.

    I think this questions shows that you are still wanting to reach out. I've given you a few things to start that. I wonder what else you can do and who else you can find to create some sort of change.

    Take care

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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    There are so many questions that occur to me from your story. But most importantly I am sorry that things are feeling so painful and difficult right now. You say you don't think you're improving but I'm wondering are you getting the right support to improve. It's important to ask for help (as you have here) and to find the person who you can relate to to support you on your journey. A good therapist is essential here. As well as having some therapy or counselling you might see if you can get help from Lifeline. When you look in the mirror I wonder what you would say to your best friend if that were her/him? Would you say something kind or understanding, like you look tired and like you need a rest or you look like you are in pain? We are so hard on ourselves but maybe you can think about what you would tell a friend in your situation as if that was you, so that you can experience the better side of you and how you treat you? Even though you feel such pain and darkness maybe there is just a small part of you that you can turn to and offer a friendly gentle loving presence to? Please speak to a counsellor and do not give up on trying to find someone you can trust and talk to so that you do not have to bear this all on your own. Thanks too for your bravery and honesty in sharing your story and experience. We are all going through our own human journey and what you have shared takes courage. One day maybe you will be able to help others who experience similar darkness by the witnessing of your own story. Go well now.

     

     

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