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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    I should've been depressed most of my life, but I've never suffered it

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Relationships
    I'm a woman in my late 50s. Superficially, I lead a normal life - I work, I interact, I'm friendly.

    My problem is I'm lonely with no friends. I wasn't allowed as a child to have friends unless my mother approved of the person. I found one friend amongst her “approved” list. But she decided when I was about 15 that she no longer liked that person. She and I are still friends, but she now lives hundreds of kms away, and we don't see each other much. The only other friend in my life, was a man I was passionately in love with in my mid 20s. But he couldn't stand my mother's hatred of him, so he went his own way.

    I have had no other friends in my life. It would be so nice to have someone just to talk about daily joys and sorrows with. I haven't had that for the last 30 years. I'm intelligent, warm and caring, generous, independent.

    In online forums, quite a few people actively dislike me. Others seem OK with me, but no one I'd call ‘close’. What help is available for those like me?
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  • Dr Simon Easterbrook-Smith

    Health Professional

    My research interests include immunology and the mechanisms of amyloid formation. The latter has implications for people who are dealing with Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease … View Profile

    Do you have any particular IRL interests/hobbies - eg, cooking, gardening, playing bridge, etc, etc?

    If so, maybe see if there are any clubs/interest groups related to those where you live.

    A commonality of interests can often lead to friendship.

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  • maryis

    HealthShare Member

    I already meet lots of people. I have a number of interests, and am a member of relevant clubs. As a result I have a lot of acquaintences, but no friends - no one who phones me or calls in or includes me. What I'm really after is somewhere I can go, where I can be told what is wrong with me; what I'm doing or saying wrong. Armed with that knowledge, I could attempt to change things.

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  • RileyAndro

    HealthShare Member

    I've had this problem, too, but not as severe. I think the main problem is waiting for other people to like you enough to phone you or visit you. Have you tried calling them or inviting them out to coffee or something?

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  • Anonymous

    I'm a little disappointed in the professional community here, with only a single response which says “go and meet people”. Is the reason for no real helpful responses that I'm not categorised. If so, what is the point in seeking help, if help is all dependent on being categorised. Hope that's not the case.

    To add some further info - I would say I have been subjected to mild psychological abuse all my life. My family has always ridiculed me - from the time I was about 6. The other day, my mother told me she still hadn't forgiven me for accepting a biscuit from someone without her permission when I was 2!  Surely, she's the one who's stark raving, and not me.

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  • Anonymous

    I would hazard a guess that your general first reaction with people is to see the negative, then after you have had time to work out wether they want to hurt you or not, then you can see the positive, this is common when you have a mother like yours. You say that in online forums there are a couple who are ok with you and a few who actively dislike you. This is normal! I have a few close friends and am no longer challenged in the friend department ( used t be big time) and I can tell you I have a few more than 4 or 5 active dislikes, anyone who says anything of worth will be challenged by someone on it, and I'm sure it comes across as active dislike, but in reality your perspective may be skewed. I should also point out that it is not a great idea to gauge wether your likeable or not, online…. People, even the very nicest of people grow a huge set of balls and say things they are too afraid to express in the online community, what ends up happening is a whole bunch of people end up coming off like assholes when in reality you are seeing them at their worst, because online is where people go when they have had a bad day. I would also try to protect yourself in an emotionally healthy way there are many things you can do by reading or asking a therapist, then when you have a bit more of a handle of healthily protecting yourself emotionally, be the friend who makes the call first rather than waiting for closeness to happen, and when your ready and able, actively ask the people who your aquatinted with ‘ why aren’t we better friends' they will either tell you, or become closer I guess. You never know, they might be thinking, that old bird has got better things to do and more important people by now, I won't bother her with my friendship, there are a million reasons there could be blocks to your friendship. Until you work out what some of them are, make sure your emotionally ready for closeness :) good luck with it

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  • Tracey Frazer

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Tracey is a Clinical Psychology with over 27 years of clinical experience and her own practice in Hurstville, Sydney. She has a passion for working … View Profile

    It sounds like your mum and the way she raised you has definitely impacted on how you see yourself and how you interact with others. I don't necessarily think it is about labelling yourself but I think it can be helpful to explore these impacts with a trained therapist in attempt to identify what may be getting in the way of friendship for you. We can't always change other people's responses to us but we can explore within ourselves if there is anything that we do to keep others at arms length, not intentionally but because that is what has been modelled growing up. 

    I believe that Schema Focussed Therapy can be helpful in this process as it emphasises exploring longer term pattern of thought and behaviour and the core beliefs that drive them. It also looks at how these patterns came to be there and often looks way back to when we were young. You should look into this approach but this should be discussed with your therapist if appropriate for you. 

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