How to step back from dark thoughts?

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

I have rung Lifeline.

Thank you. I tried counsellors - 3 of them. The first just stared at me whilst I sat there crying - no interaction at all. The second enjoyed looking at the scenery from his window and checking his watch every few minutes - again  no interaction……. I left both feeling I was in the wrong - I was not worthy of their interest……. The third was a young lass who sat WITH me, listened, added suggestions etc, held my hand whilst I blubbered. She listened - she really listened and gave some advice…. I left her feeling good about myself - I could cope - I could let go the past…… But it didnt last and I was too ashamed to go back to her.

Truth is, childhood abuse stays with us forever - it takes our confidence - it lets us know we are a waste of space.

One of my dearest friends is a survivor of child sexual abuse so I have a faint understanding of how things may be for you.

You might find this link helpful: http://www.aifs.gov.au/acssa/crisis.html .

It is country-wide and includes information about a range of support services.

I signed up to this website just to respond to you.

My theripist once told me that abusers pull you appart, into many, many little peices, then build you back together the way ‘they want you to be’

You are who you are, but your past is your past, it is hard to get past your past (I STILL have dreams and memories that haunt me in my life) you need to learn that the way you have been programmed is NOT who you are. My Theripist helped me to see what were unrealistic reactions to every day life, due to being programmed that way.

It IS hard to find a theripist, I was first sent to her by a doc who diagnosed me with Depression - I DIDNT EVEN BELIEVE I HAD DEPRESSION. She helped me to not only see that I had depression (due to my past still being a part of my pressent, even though my pressent is great) She also helped me to understand what depression is and some ways to make it a part of my past also. Unfortunatly my time expired with her, my Dr left the surgery I went to, the new Dr had no clue and did not re-refer me to her and just told me to half my medication and wean myself off of it (LITTERALLY, BREAK THE PILLS IN HALF!) Since then depression has come back and the only help I can get from Drs is more tests (as they think its something else - not depression) then a perscription for more pills and a lecture about my lifestyle (without asking any questions about my lifestyle, just assuming)

I find it very hard to just go to the Dr, I find it harder to ask for help. And I definatly dont talk about my past or the fact that I have depression (only my best friend and partner know about my depression, my family know about my past, and others I have opened up to over the years, to give advise to) There is NOT enough help out there. We get told - go to the Dr! No one understands how hard that is, when getting out of bed is a chore that can take hours alone!

I was seeing a Kinesioligist who told me, to try to stop thinking of myself as a victom of Depression, Stop referring to it as MY depression, refer to myself as a Depression serviver.

As much as this sounds like BS, it CAN help, I dont let my past run my life now, I try not to use an excuse, ‘I was made to think this way because of abuse’ I try to see how I should be thinking and think this way and change my programming.

Perhaps you could think of yourself as a child abuse serviver rather than a victom of child abuse.

I feel for you greatly, yes I have problems, I have had a bad past, but everyones story is different. I CAN openly speek of my past now (not depression) and know it is what made me who I am today and accept it and move on with my life (THIS TAKES A LONG TIME) now I just need to get over the depression.

One thing that keeps me going is reading peoples stories (you didnt go into detail, but I know all I need to know to want to help) I read them and genuinely WANT to help, and offer my knowlage. I feel other peoples stories are worse than my own (although some other people disagree) I feel guilty for having depression for my past when others have it so much worse, and although guilt is a bad thing, it is helping me right now to see a positive and do a positive. Not saying this is the thing for you, but it is helping me at the moment, everyone has something different that will help them. Quite often it is being able to talk about it, it gets easier, and you stop feeling like you are being judged.

I wish you all the best, I understand it is hard to go to a Dr and counciller, it is even harder to tell them your story, and harder again to face them afterwoods, due to the shame you feel.

You need to understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of, the councillor is not judging you, they just want to help you! even if you see a different councillor instead of that same one, they can still help you to feel better, however it would be easier to go to the same one (in the sense of not having to go to the Dr to get a referral, then find one that is good) however if that is less of an issue for you than facing the theripists for a second time, do that for a time until you ARE able to see one for a second time.

Baby steps are what you need to take to get your life back, do what works for you. Dont give up. At birth you were given a gift, that gift was life, without it you have nothing. Your gift was taken from you as a child. You are still alive, but you dont feel alive. Take the steps to make this day the begining of the rest of your life, believe in it, and get back your birth right, your life.