I agree with the comments above that it is not uncommon to feel a whole mixture of feelings regarding whether or not you want to get better. For some people, eating disorders can be present for years before they feel ready to change. Sometimes wanting to change comes and goes in waves, at different times in your life or with different experiences.
The reason why people feel resistance to getting better is multi-layered and complex. Often there is a strong attachment to an eating disorder because of the role it serves for you. For example, it may have been there occasionally to help manage life crisis or help you feel in control, to cope with difficult and uncomfortable emotions, or to avoid approaching other situations, demands or conflict. Therefore it is no wonder it is so hard to give up.
Some people feel that others are exaggerating the problem or are mistaken about their eating disorder symptoms. Others are aware that they are struggling but feel ashamed or afraid. Some people are ambivalent. On the one hand you may recognise that the eating diosrder isn't consistent with your values, or that it is getting in the way of important things you would like in your life, such as a meaningful relationship or to have children. On the other hand you may fear the potential effects of treatment such as weight gain, or interference with activity such as exercise, restricting food intake, purging or losing weight.
Whatever the case, it is important to understand the role the eating disorder has served, how it is maintained, and why change is so hard. Once you have an understanding of this, treatment strategies can be put in place. Depending on the circumstances, some people may be at risk (e.g., due to medical consequences or rapidly increasing symptoms). Therefore I agree with the Butterfly Foundation in seeking medical assistance or talking to a professional. Accepting and opening up to change is a process that takes time, from recognition of the negative impact of the eating disorder to a decision to recover. Support is there to help you through it.
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