It must be really tough for you to feel so alone in caring for your son and so isolated in your struggle with the pain of his diagnosis, especially when others - your family in particular - seem so important to you.
Remember that it is normal for us to feel down in the dumps from time-to-time, especially when we have a lot to deal with. It certainly sounds as if the past few years have been challenging for you, so understandably there have been times when you have felt down. However, when these feelings and the thoughts that go with them persist, they are generally signs that something needs to change.
While most people talk of depression as something that we 'have', it can be helpful to think of it as something that we 'do'. I say this because once we understand what we are doing that makes us feel worse (even if it's how we relate to our thoughts), we can begin to make the changes that are needed for us to live a vital life.
Perhaps you would be willing to talk openly to your GP about how you are feeling, what is going on for you, and see whether you qualify for a Mental Health Care Plan. If yes, you will be eligible for at least 6 rebateable sessions with a psychologist/clinical psychologist, and there are some practitioners who provide bulk-billing services to people in difficult financial circumstances (i.e., no out-of-pocket expenses).
At the same time, try to treat yourself kindly, and take good care of yourself. Mothering is hard work at the best of times, and being the mother to a child with autism is as challenging as it is rewarding. Make sure to find some 'you-time' in your day - it might be as simple as bringing your attention to your breath for 5 minutes, a few times a day.
I hope this is helpful and wish you all the best.
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