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Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners
What are some tips to calm me down when I feel jealous
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I get extremely jealous over the littlest things in my relationship, and I hate it because I always have this thought in my head that he might be cheating on me even though I know he loves me and wouldn't do that. It's just that my biggest fear is that I might be cheated on, so I get jealous over every little thing, and it's really bad because I get so extremely jealous to the point where I feel so mad and sick. I need help. Please help me or give me tips on where I can receive help. -
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Gia Ravazzotti
Sex Therapist
We all experience jealousy from time to time and it can be a very uncomfortable and even destructive emotion. We feel it when we believe that someone or something is encroaching on our territory and is causes a gut reaction. Some tips for coping with jealousy may help you to feel better.
What happens when jealousy arises
While there are different reactions to feelings of jealousy, common responses include anger, blame, emotional shutting down and even threatening behaviour. Sometimes you may find yourself going to a place of reaction that can cause pain for both you and your partner. Knowing that jealousy can perpetuate these kinds of emotions is important in order to curb your reactiveness, which can reduce any damage and open a space for understanding yourself better.
Don’t ignore your feelings
Trying to ignore or push feelings away can often result in an expansion of the emotion. Rather than discarding what is happening for you, notice your feelings without judgment. Almost as though you are keeping half an eye on passers by while sitting at a café on the sidewalk, just be present to what is happening, but try not to attach to any one thought or idea for too long. Allowing the feelings to be there often diffuses their intensity and helps to let you unhook from them.
Talk or write about what is happening
Revealing your internal processes can often result in a weight being lifted. Talking to someone about your feelings helps to air some of the heaviness while creating a different perspective. If you feel uncomfortable to talk about feelings of jealousy with another person (which is very common) then write about it in a journal or diary. Writing about feelings accesses an alternative part of the brain, which allows you to process the information differently.
Use your emotions to learn about yourself
Something that often strikes me about my clients is their enthusiasm for learning more about themselves and their behaviours. Taking an inquisitive stance when jealousy arises can help you to understand yourself better and learn the best way to support yourself. Asking yourself where else you feel jealousy in your life or what the jealous feelings mean about you is one way to start a process of self-enquiry. If you find that jealousy is stemming from a belief that you are not good enough then perhaps you could list reasons why you are good enough. Facing the emotions and working through them is always better than being reactive.
Being aware of the causes of emotions often helps to reduce their intensity and offer space for acceptance. Next time you find yourself facing the green-eyed monster give yourself a break. Allow yourself to feel whatever arises and curb your reaction. It may go a long way to improving your relationship.
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