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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How can I make my partner understands what he's doing is killing me?

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    Relationships Sexual Health
    My partner and I are living together for 1 year. I love him and I know he loves me. He is type of cool laughing guy with high sense of humor and jokes a lot and I like it. But I found out that he uses to send and receive rude emails jokes to/from male/female married friends and use to show them to me, laughing as it was funny. I talked to him about it, told him that this was bothering me but he said that was fine, it was just for laughs and he sees no problem with that. He likes everything that is related to explicit sex: movies, Internet porn and even moan when he sees young attractive girls in movies. I notice that when we go out he uses to stares on young girls making me feel uncomfortable. We have been arguing about all these and he says he is a man. I find myself an attractive 53 yo woman but I started feeling low, cheap and depressive. He's is not good looking. He works in the mines and most of his mates are like him. Why does he think what he's doing is normal for men to do?
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    • Vivienne Colegrove
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like even though you have tried to let your partner know that his behaviour is not OK for you, he is not willing to change it. The question may not be so much - is what he doing right or wrong? Rather, the question may be - are you prepared to be in a relationship where your partner is not willing to change, or even modify what he does even when he knows it makes you feel miserable? You may have a difficult decision to make - will you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't meet your needs or respect your view, or will you hold your ground and risk the relationship ending? At the end of the day, you cannot make someone else change. All you can do is assertively and calmly let them know what you need, the choice about what to do with that information is up to them. 
    Relationship counselling may be helpful if your partner is willing to do the work of hearing your perspective and working with you on finding solutions that meet both of your needs.

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