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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Why can't I make my boyfriend orgasm?

    Related Topics
    Relationships Sexual Health
    My Boyfriend and I have been together nearly 4 years. When I first met him, he said he had only ever had an orgasm from having sex once before and that it was hard to.
    With lots of trying I finally found what he likes and used to make him orgasm almost every time we had sex. It was always the exact same position though.
    As time went on, it got less and less often and for the last year and a half I think I have made him do it three times?

    I have tried so hard and I am at the point now where I feel so insecure and not sexy that I don't even want to have sex or do anything or try to make him orgasm as it is so exhausting and disappointing when it doesn't happen.

    I caught him OBSESSIVELY watching porn recently as he was paying for it and it was coming up in his phone bill. And by obsessive I mean 3-4 times a day. This made the situation worse and now I am thinking that our sex life is shit because he watches porn. But he tells me that he watches porn cause our sex life is shit.
    Please help
    • 2 answers
    • Dr Margaret Redelman
    • Ash Rehn
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    Dr Margaret Redelman

    GP (General Practitioner)

    I come from a general practice background and have over 30 years experience in sexual health. I am an accredited Clinical Psychosexual Therapist with the … View Profile

    You should give yourself credit for seeking to resolve this situation which has the potential to severely crush your sexual confidence and enjoyment.

    Firstly, the problem is not with you.

    Secondly, your boyfriend is not a bad person and does not intentionlly mean to hurt your but he has a sexual difficulty which he should address if he wants to be a good partner in any relationship.

    Without a full sexual history from your boyfriend I am just going to propose a few ideas as to the difficulty: he has a high threshhold for orgasm and has a specific pattern he has learnt to allow himself to orgasm, he has intimacy fears with a partner and needs very high/specific arousal to allow himself to orgasm, he has become numbed to interpersonal sensuality and finds it hard to become aroused without the visual variety he has habituated to through pornography etc

    If you love him for all his other qualities and want to stay in this relationship change your focus from pleasing him to allowing him to please you. Really enjoy yourself and show him what a great lover he is for you. Make lovemaking a feast. Focus on him enjoying himself rather than having an orgasm as a task to be achieved.

    However, if he wants to change the situation then support him seeing a sex therapist.

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  • 2

    Thanks

    Ash Rehn

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Sex Therapist, Social Worker

    Mental Health Medicare Provider of focussed psychological strategies, Counsellor & Therapist specialising in ‘sex addiction’, pornography issues, gay counselling, online therapy. For more information: www.ForwardTherapy.com View Profile

    I support Margaret's comments above. I'd add that it sounds like this has been very frustrating for you and you have taken some of his comments and actions personally. Do your boyfriend and you agree on this point: that you both wish for better sex with each other than you currently have? Perhaps this is more of an issue about communication than it is about sex?

    I'd suggest either both talking with a relationship counsellor / therapist or, if you boyfriend is not willing to do that, going along to see a therapist / counsellor yourself. This might help both of you talk about how you feel and what you need in this relationship. At present it seems there is a lot of blame (self blame and other-blame) which will not nurture the relationship. Step out of blaming yourself or him and into better communication with each other with the help of a 3rd party who can assist you both to listen to each other and move forward.

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