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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    My boyfriend has clinical depression, how do I help?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Suicide Prevention
    I have known my boyfriend ever since I was 2 and we have been together for a year and 7 months (today!). Before we got together, he was my best friend and I knew when he got sad.

    Sadly, he and I had to separate for 5 years and then we discovered Facebook. I found him and we started talking again. I thought he was okay. He showed me nothing but happiness and kindness. We met up again and decided to try a relationship. 3 months later, he started to change and became very unhappy.

    I just thought he was going through a rough patch at home. But as time went on and we did some research, we found that he is now clinically depressed. On my 18th birthday, he became very suicidal and told me he wanted to die.

    I tried to console him as much as I possibly could but he pushed me away. I have tried encouraging him to seek help, but he won't go. Even when I said I would go with him.

    I really need help and advice on what to do. I love him so very much and I cannot lose him. I am so scared.
    Please help:(
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    Mariela Occelli

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Mariela Occelli is a Clinical Psychologist with well over 20 years experience in the assessment and treatment of clinical disorders. She has worked in private … View Profile

    Hearing someone you love say that they are so sad they want to die can be frightening and extremely upsetting. The automatic response can often be to try to reassure and convince the person that life is not so terrible, that they are not so terrible, that they are loved, etc. Whilst all this is true, the reaction tends to shut the person down and often make them withdraw more. Many men find it difficult to allow themselves to feel and to explore uncomfortable emotions. Without being able to ‘process’ what is wrong, they might interpret their feelings of sadness and despair as ‘weakness’, accentuating feelings of shame, embarrassment and failure. Such feelings as you can imagine, can make it difficult for people to seek help. Moreover, sometimes there may be fear that the therapist will have the same response as most people, that is to reassure them that life is not so terrible, they are not so terrible, they are loved etc.! Perhaps you could try to encourage your boyfriend to talk about his feelings freely without offering solutions or advise. How terrible is the sadness? Has he experienced it before? If so, when? What was happening in his life at the time? Is there anything that makes him happy now, even for an instant? Are there things that make him instantly distressed or upset? At times when he wishes to die, what is it that he is trying to ‘fix’ or deal with? Can he think of other options or strategies, less drastic that could improve the moment? Reassuring him that sadness and painful feelings are normal and that things will get better can sometimes be helpful. No matter how upset he feels at anyone time, our feelings are not permanent states and they eventually shift and change. I agree that he is likely to benefit from therapy and perhaps his relationship with you will help him do this eventually. However, it is important to give him the space and the time he needs to get there, whilst remaining open to listening with gentle curiosity. It may also be helpful for you to see someone for support as dealing with a loved one who is deeply depressed can be emotionally challenging. 
     

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    MickalaJayne

    HealthShare Member

    For a while, he was able to talk freely and once when he let all his guards down I burst into tears from some of the things he said. It was hurtful things. He has an anger issue as well. And now he is starting to drink every night when he gets home from work. I call him and he doesn't sound sober, I ask him and he tells me he has had half a bottle of American Honey. I don't know whether or not to believe that is how much he has had, because I am not there with him. I want him to talk about his feelings freely, and I may need to see a therapist for myself and try to encourage him that they are not bad people! They only try to help. I need him to talk about his emotions and what goes through his head, because I know he bottles them up. Each time I ask him to talk to me, he gets angry and sometimes hangs up. Tonight I am going to see him because he is back from working away. And I will try to encourage him to talk to me about things, but he is so very stubborn and thinks he will never get better. He is a very negatve person. All I want to do is help him but when I try he shuts down and tells me not to worry about it because I cant handle it, but I can! 

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    Mariela Occelli

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Mariela Occelli is a Clinical Psychologist with well over 20 years experience in the assessment and treatment of clinical disorders. She has worked in private … View Profile

    Dear Mickala, from what you are telling me, your boyfriend's problems are more complex then depression alone. Sometimes when people have had complex and painful childhoods they can develop problems with connectedness with other people, with being able to tolerate intense emotions, with self esteem and self worth, identity, etc. Impulsiveness, addictions, chronic feelings of emptiness, anger etc., can be part of the picture.  It sounds as though your boyfriend's issues are complex. I'm wondering if you have also experienced similar feelings yourself as you seem to have a lot of patience and acceptance for his behaviour even when he has been hurtful towards you. You may find that seeking counseling for yourself will help you to better understand the relationship and empower you to make changes that will provide you with greater stability and happiness. Seeking help as a couple may also be a good alternative if your boyfriend is open to this option.

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    MickalaJayne

    HealthShare Member

    I am currently going through the same stages, but not as bad as what he is going through. I have felt like I am worthless and what is the point of going on, but I know that the people around me and close to me would be very devistated. Plus, things do get better. I have tried to discuss going as a couple and he doesn't want to. He thinks there really is no point. I am at breaking point because I need him to get better. His mother was/is very abusive, I know he has had a problem ever since he was young. I am really worried. I love him so much, I cannot lose him. I am so scared.

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