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Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners
Could I be addicted to pornography?
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My wife and I have been married for 6 years. Since the birth of our first child 2 years ago sex has been limited. I have found myself turning to online pornography on almost a daily basis. My wife recently discovered that i was doing this and is disgusted with me. What should I do? -
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Vivienne Colegrove
Counsellor
I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile
It sounds like the issue for your relationship may not be so much that you are looking at pornography, but that you kept this secret from your wife. It would be important perhaps to start by talking with your wife about what it means for her that you have been secretive. She may feel there has been a breach of trust - trust relies on partners being open and honest with each other, and being able to constructively work through difficult issues. If so, then you may need to work together on how best to repair this. It may also be important to talk frankly and openly together about your sex life. Is your wife also dissatisfied with sex since the birth of your first child? Are there other things that have also caused dissatisfaction for either of you, that you may need to think about doing differently? The transition into parenthood is challenging for a lot of couples. Relationship counselling may be helpful to clarify what the issues are, and assist you to work on how to create the relationship you want, in a way that is realistic for your new family life-stage.
All the best
Vivienne ColegroveReport this post
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Margie Ulbrick
Counsellor
I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile
I agree with the comments above by Vivienne. I would also add that perhaps you might look at this as an opportunity for you to change aspects of your relationship that have been problematic. In other words, instead of it seeming like a terrible thing that has happened and that your wife has found out about, try seeing it as possibly a good thing. Things have been brought to a head, they are now out in the open and together as a team the two of you can be curious as to what may help you get through these difficulties. Many couples experience what you are going through especially as mentioned above after the birth of the first child. Now, you have a chance to face these issues and to develop more compassion and understanding of each other and of each others' needs. Take courage, and seek professional assistance from a couples counsellor who can help you unpack what is going on individually and in the relationship. Good luck!
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Dr David Wells
Clinical Psychologist, Counsellor, Psychologist
Dr David Wells is a fully registered Psychologist with the Psychology Board of Australia. David has experience in both private practice and public sector work.Although … View Profile
Good answers by Vivienne and Margie. Porn can be addictive, it has all the negative components needed for addiction: pleasure, deceit, guilt, damage to self, others, relationship. Try to see it from your wife's point of view after having a baby. Make the commitment to seek help and the addiction can be helped to decrease or hopefully end.
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Ash Rehn
Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Sex Therapist, Social Worker
Mental Health Medicare Provider of focussed psychological strategies, Counsellor & Therapist specialising in ‘sex addiction’, pornography issues, gay counselling, online therapy. For more information: www.ForwardTherapy.com View Profile
Over the years, many men have consulted me about their use of pornography and related concerns. Talking with or meeting a therapist / counsellor can feel like a big step and often these concerns have gone on a long time before a person seeks help. Often embarrassment or shame gets in the way of doing something about the issue.
I've found that one of the biggest traps people fall into during the time in which they are considering asking for help, is the trap of focussing on the ‘addiction’ aspect of pornography use. To simply problematise pornography use as ‘addiction’ without investigating what it might be a response to, is to make invisible the very causes for increasing pornography use. These can include, but are not limited to,: difficulties in communication in the relationship, boredom, stress, Anxiety, depression, loneliness, guilt, shame, grief, embarrassment and feelings of powerlessness.
I'd suggest researching counsellors / therapists who are skilled enough to assist you to first explore what you get out of using porn and look into the needs you are meeting when you are using it. This is about developing more understanding and takes not only a non-judgemental attitude towards porn-use but a willingness to see beyond porn-use as simply an ‘addiction’ but as a (perhaps unconscious) strategy to recover what you need. By the way I am not suggesting that pornography use does not in itself create difficulties and problems for people (it can and does at times) but that it is important to see beyond it to how you are using it. To simply try to shut it down usually just makes the situation worse.
There are articles on my website if you are interested in reading more.
Ash Rehn, Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
BSocWk (UQ), MA (UTS), MAASW (acc.)Report this post
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