I know exactly what you mean, my mum is doing exactly the same thing. Except for the fact that I told her whilst my 4 younger brothers and sisters are still living at home coping the abuse, and she still forces them to be around him. When posed with the question ‘ don’t you think there could be an element of truth to what I'm saying,, didn't you notice some odd things with him growing up' then her answer is yes, I do believe her sometimes, but we all have to move on now don't we. It's never an easy situation, part of you will love her as the mother she always was, part of you will grieve the mother that you lost when you found out she had betrayed you, part of you will grieve who she should have been, and most of all you will grieve the childhood you never had, but, things do get better.
I don't know if in your situation you are able to be around your sister, or if it is too painful, but my advise, the only thing that has worked for me is to focus on your relationship with your siblings as you all went through it together, but in contrast to your mum, you will not have as many betrayal and painful feelings towards your siblings because at the time you were being abused, they had no responsibility over you like your mum, and it is a lot harder for you to hate your sis for something she did as a kid when she was also being abused, whereas your mum…. Well I probably don't need to tell you that you will spend a long time wondering if she did or didn't notice earlier, and if she did notice why didn't she do anything.
it is the single hardest thing to go through in life I think, know that your not the only one and there is support out there if you need it. A really good place to go is BRISSC. ( based in Brisbane, but they have a phone line you can ring from anywhere, and they are absolutely lovely and understanding) I find it easier to get help from places that do not actively encourage mandatory reporting for over age clients, that way you don't have the added worry of are the police going to contact you…. Probably the last thing you need happening out of the blue.
with your mum, working out your relationship is going to be long and hard, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is set some clear boundaries with her, I know typically the mum is supposed to be the one boundary setting, and you may even feel the need to wait for her to do it, but sadly in these situations waiting for her to do it will be exactly that….. Waiting. Find something that works for you, I don't talk to mum on certain days to give myself time off, I tell her so too, I have therapy on Mondays and I tell her, if you call me in a Monday, I won't pick up. Never let your mum come into therapy with you, I made that mistake, it makes your little safe space feel soiled, and unsafe, your therapist is for you, if she wants one too then she can get her own. My mum is absolutely not allowed to come around to my house without organising it ahead of time, and the biggest rule of all is mum is allowed to mention dad, If she is aking questions about what I remember, or what he did to me, but my rule is absolutely no talk about dad as if he is a normal, don't mention what you did together last Sunday, or tell me he says hello, no happy families crap. If she starts doing that I leave. Sadly in these situations when the mum acts this way, they try to get you to play happy families, they try to get you to forgive your abuser, know that if they try to do this they are in the wrong. Your family is not happy, and you do not have to forgive your abuser, you can if you want to, but that should be part of your own healing process, and it only has to happen if you want to, nobody else. Some people like me never forgive their abuser, and that is ok, in my opinion they do t deserve forgiveness, the only ones who deserve your forgiveness is you and your sis.
i have found it best to play it safe by accepting that your mum may never be the mum you need. Trust her to be only herself, and that is someone who will probably always choose your dad, over you, it sucks, but if you try to test her by giving her personal information like where you live, how much money you have or where you usually visit and do things, please be prepared for her to tell your dad, and you may want to get a separate throwaway ph mob for your mum, that way you know that when it rings if your not in a good headspace you don't have to answer, and you don't get surprised if your dad rings you on it. If you have a separate ph for those you trust, you don't end up petrified of answering your ph.
bottom line of all this is I think if you cut her off part of you will need her, if you don't cut her off then you will miss her space, and hate her.
Try keeping her in your life if she follows the rules and doesn't push your boundaries, and maintains respect, if not then she has to go, because your healing is more important than her feelings.
best of luck, my heart is with you ….
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