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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Cohabitation before marriage - how do I make this decision?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    I have always been a very traditional person when it comes to relationships and never considered cohabitation before marriage. However, I spend most nights with my boyfriend and we have discussed the possibility of sharing rent under one roof. What are the pros and cons? It's a big decision for me.
    • 2 answers
    • Grant Dempsey
    • Margie Ulbrick
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  • Grant Dempsey

    Counsellor

    With a passion to see people move forward and break free from the barriers holding them back, Grant is a highly experienced counsellor with over … View Profile

    Great question, and very important to work through. In my experience too many couples co-habbit too quickly, which ultimately leads to an early breakdown of the relationship. When i talk to my clients just about all of them say they moved in together too soon. So I think it is important to give good consideration to this question. 

    Often people move in because it makes ‘sense’ - eg you spend so much time together, why pay two lots of rent etc. While this is true it is not necessarily the most helpful move to build a long term intimate relationship. One re-searcher says the problem is, “people slide before they decide”, that is they slide into co-habitation rather than make a solid cognitive decision where they have looked at the logisitcs OR discussed the long term goals of the relationship. 

    To put it bluntly, my anecdotal experience is that generally women move in with an expectation/hope of wedding-marriage-kids whereas the men are hoping for more regular sex - not so much the wedding package, so be prepared for the wedding to be delayed when you move in, UNLESS you have had some solid conversations about these things before you move in. 

    My advice - have a good talk about where your relationship is heading, make sure you are clear on each others expectations and set some common goals for your relationship.  Then work out how moving in together is going to help you move towards your relationship goals. Sounds analytical hey, but to some extent it takes anlysis and planning to build a long term healthy relationship. If you have problems discussing these things see a counsellor and get some help.I've been married over 20 years and it is well worth it to get it right. All the best. 

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  • Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    It is a big decision and one not to be taken lightly. It's great that you are giving it serious thought.You say you are a traditional person when it comes to relationships and I would like to know what that means to you in terms of your values, faith tradition, and beliefs etc. One of the best ways to ensure a great relationship is to know yourself really well and to know how to hold onto yourself in intimacy as well as being able to let go into the relationship. It's a paradox. If you compromise your deepest sense of integrity in the relationship neither of you can be truly happy. So you have to work out what is really important to you both now and in the future. Know what your values are and know why they are important to you. Managing intimacy well will enhance your relationship forever and this means knowing how you manage separation and space as well as closeness and togetherness. It would be helpful to know your reactions to each other in discussing this big issue and perhaps one of the greatest gifts you could give yourselves would be to unpack this question of cohabitation with some professional assistance. It could help you both become aware of what you bring, both consciously and unconsciously to the relationship dance you are in.

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