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Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners
How is emotional abuse different from yelling/fighting/cursing?
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Ron Cruickshank
Counsellor
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Emotional Self Care
Physical abuse and verbal abuse can be inflicted on you by others, and also by your self. People can make the choice to yell, swear, slam doors, and break things, hit, punch, drive like a maniac, and a million other ways of expressing frustration and anger. Likewise one can make the choice to self harm and take extreme risk in multiple forms of self abuse such as cutting, drinking, smoking, taking drugs and unsafe sex.
Emotional abuse, in my experience however, is self inflicted. Where are a person’s emotions when they are demonstrating anger and other abusive behaviours? There is only one emotion, one form of energy in motion, and that is love. It is either flowing freely and feeling great, or not flowing freely and feeling not so great. When I feel hurt (love-less) I get angry (defensive action), hence anger is not an emotion but a choice of action.
Physical and verbal abuse is an outward expression of frustration. Frustration runs on a continuum from slightly frustrated to extremely frustrated or anger. Frustration occurs when mind and emotion are in conflict, when thoughts interfere with the flow of love. The mind holds an expectation of how things should be, and when the scenario is not playing out as expected one has two choices.
First choice is to connect to your love strongly and explore loving options and solutions for change. This is a wise choice. The second choice is to disconnect from your emotions and become defensive. This is not a wise choice. This is self inflicted emotional abuse. In truth, only you have the ability to choose love or fear, and no-one else can make that choice for you.
Your love is your power and energy supply. To shut it down through conflicted thinking is to be power-less, to be love-less. When love is the only power than can resolve a difficult situation, to shut it down is insanity! It is also self abuse.
This practice, when used frequently and regularly, can become an automatic habit that functions faster than you can think on an unconscious level. We then project the feelings of discomfort outward and blame others for our discomfort, not realising it was our own unconscious habit that caused the discomfort in the first place.
This habit has been carried by our society for centuries and is well entrenched at a genetic level. Old habits are hard to break but new ones can be made. To deal with self inflicted emotional abuse you need to practice and rehearse the choice to go to love always, and just like driving a car, do it till it becomes automatic.
One day, someone will hail abuse at you and you will actually feel calm and loving towards yourself and empathy towards them, knowing they are feeling love-less and that there is only one true response to that. You will feel sure of yourself and confident in the love that you are. From here you will make loving choices for yourself and for others. Is staying with an abuser a loving choice?
Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice; have the courage to follow your own heart and intuition.
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