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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    What are some ways to remember a loved one who has died?

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    Bereavement
    My loved one has been in palliative care, and has now died. What are some ways to remember the happy times?
    • 2 answers
    • David Hamilton
    • CareSearch
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  • David Hamilton

    Counsellor

    David is a qualified and experienced family therapist, counselling supervisor. He uses acceptance and commitment therapist(ACT) Gottman Method and other evidence based modalities. David has … View Profile

    Thank you for your question it is encouraging to hear you have a willingness to remember the joy that your loved one has bought you your life.  Losing a loved one is perhaps one of the most difficult processes we experience in life and the need to remember is a natural response to loss. The ways in which we choose to remember can be as measureless as the imagination itself. I remember one of my clients’ decided to plant a tree to remember a life lived and to celebrate their loved one after they had died.  My client said they planned on bringing some of the cuttings into the house on anniversaries such as birthdays symbolising the celebration of that life. Another planned to make a park bench in her garden with a plaque, she said she would take time to reflect on the loved ones life while sitting in the garden. I think the common mistake for some people is they try forgetting rather than remembering the pain of the loss of their loved one, so whatever you decide, the fact that you are able to sit with and embrace the sometimes uncomfortable feelings that often accompany loss is admirable.

    Warm regards David 

      

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    CareSearch

    CareSearch is an online resource designed to help those needing relevant and trustworthy information and resources about palliative care. The website has been funded by … View Profile

    Following a death, you may spend time to reflect and acknowledge the person’s life. In this way the person who has died will still have a voice, a story, or a connection that remains with you.

    There are different ways in which you can remember the person who has died. You may feel sad and at a loss but still want to recall and remember good memories.
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    There are many ways you could remember and share happy memories:

    • A remembrance service or celebration of life (many hospice or palliative care services and some hospitals, hold memorial services)
    • A memory box or scrap-book
    • A framed photo of happy times
    • A candle lit in their memory
    • A tree or plant in their memory
    • A CD of their favourite music
    • A letter written to them to express feelings
    • A bench or plaque dedicated in their memory.

    Christmas and anniversaries can be difficult, especially if it is the first one after the death. You may consider not celebrating as a sign of respect. You may want to change how you acknowledge this event. You may want to celebrate as a way of honouring the memory of the person who has died.

    You may need to allow feelings of grief, sadness, anger, loneliness or emptiness for a time. You may need to know that it is also alright to feel moments of happiness and joy. This is not disrespectful to the loved one who has died. It is a reflection of the need for you to keep on living.

    Adjustment following a death can take time. There is no right amount of time to grieve. Each person will take as much time as they need.

    Sometimes people experience difficulties in their grief. They may feel angry, depressed or not be able to stop crying. They may spend much of their time alone because they don't want to talk with others. If you are having trouble with your grief, talk to your GP. There are things that can help. This may be a support group. It may be finding someone special to talk with such as a grief or bereavement counsellor.

    CareSearch is an online source of free, trustworthy evidence-based palliative care information with separate sections written specifically for consumers and health professionals. We are funded by the Australian Government Department of Health.

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