I'm sorry to hear that you have been stuggling for such a long time, and that you appear not to experience any enjoyment and happiness in your life. This must be very tough on you.
You say you have suffered 'officially' with depression for the past 4-5 years. Does this mean that you have been formally diagnosed with the condition, and have you sought treatment? Effective treatments for depressive symptoms do exist, including face-to-face psychological therapy and anti-depressant medication. If you have not sought treatment, it might be worthwhile speaking with your general practitioner about the treatment options available to you. If you qualify for a mental health care plan under Medicare, you will be able to receive at least 6 rebateable sessions of psychological therapy.
The inability to experience enjoyment or pleasure (out of things that are 'normally' considered pleasurable) is called 'anhedonia', and is a core symptom of depression. The term is of Greek origin - 'a' (without), 'hedone' (happiness, pleasure). Some have suggested that it is anhedonia that 'keeps depression going', as in the absence of finding anything pleasurable, it is difficult to be motivated and to engage fully with life.
Because anhedonia tends to be pervasive, it is very likely impacting your ability to find pleasure and happiness in your marriage. At the same time, your depression is likely to impact the way you remember things that have happended in your life. For example, studies show that depressed people tend to remember things in 'general' rather than 'specific' ways, and that there is a bias towards remembering negative general information, or 'themes'. This is perhaps why you find it difficult to remember whether you ever felt happy.
Psychotherapeutic approaches, including cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), have been demonstrated to help people better deal with the symptoms of depression and move on to create more meaningful and rewarding lives. You might like to discuss these approaches with your GP.
I hope this is useful for you, and wish you all the best.
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