I am 21 and can relate very much to your situation. I find one of the worst aspects of my depression, which I have struggled with for many years as well, is my mood swings and extreme anger issues. Not only do I feel awefull for myself, but for the way I can treat my partner and my family. On those rare occasions that I am on a medication that works (as it only ever works for a short while before it loses effectiveness) I feel so good; I still have the normal ups and downs that any person does, but I am my loving, fun, kind and funny self again. But the rest of the time I am negative, cynical, bitter and angry, and it's like I've lost all who I am and have become a person I despise. It seems like an impossible job to get the real me back again.
I have struggled with a particularly bad bout of depression the last 6 months and have fallen the furtherest away from myself than I think I have ever done. I have my future mother in-law, who verbally abuses and emotionally blackmails her son, my partner's brother, who constantly puts me down, and one of my partner's best female friend, who bullies me continually, humiliating and insulting me and tearing me into tiny little pieces whenever she can. I have tried to ignore it, tried making excuses for them, then tried to be assertive and stand up for myself, but nothing worked and this has caused me so much hurt and sadness that I can't bear it. And gradually this has turned into anger, hate and bitterness, and it is such a big part of my life now that it consumes almost every moment of my waking life and has changed my whole outlook on everything. Even when I see my partner, I now associate him with them, which has made our relationship very tedious even though we love each other very much. I now question myself and despise who I am - is this negative, hateful person that I have become the real me? I don't think so, but I don't know how to escape.
Anyway, the point of all my blabbering is that my latest idea is that I need to get away from these people who have such a negative impact on my life and find my true self again, and get back my self confidence and esteem, and that person I can be proud of. Basically I want to have 2 weeks to myself, maybe volunteering in Thailand with Elephants or similar with I-to-I Volunteering. Hopefully by removing myself from my life for a short while I will be able to explore who I am, and I will come back secure in myself and with a brighter perspective? Who knows. I know it is a very immature idea and I'm looking at it as a ‘quick fix’ and it'll probably never happen in the first place (as my Mum tells me ) ,but who can know?
Thank you for sharing your story, it is comforting to know that there are other people going through a similar thing. Take care xx
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