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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How do I learn to have self worth?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Relationships
    I have been diagnosed with major depression. Recently I had to separate from my fiance of 3yrs. Everyone is telling me I can't be with someone until I'm happy within myself. I have never been happy within myself and have little to no self esteem. Is there a way to learn how to have self worth? I just don't want to be alone forever
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It may be helpful to think about it in terms of building a relationship with yourself. If you start to treat yourself as a person who is worthy of respect and love, then you'll start to feel like you have worth. Many of us make the mistake of thinking that we have to FEEL happy and like we are a person of worth before we can do anything that will create happiness or self-esteem.

    The fact is, often it works in reverse. There are many research studies that have found when we act in a certain way, then positive feelings and thoughts will follow. For example, one study found that when people were asked to frown, the started to feel more unhappy (even when theye were happy to start with!). The reverse has also been found to be true - when people were asked to smile, their mood improved.

    The exception to this is if you are dealing with unprocessed grief or trauma from upsetting things that you may have experienced in life. If this is the case, it's possible that intense feelings associated with those earlier distressing events may be interfering with life in the here-and-now. When people are dealing with unresolved trauma, they often mis-interpret things that are happening now, using the intense feelings they have in response as a guide to how to react.

    If you feel this may be the case for you, you will need help to work through this with a skilled counsellor or psychologist who is trained in working with grief and trauma resolution techniques. Because you are suffering from depression as well, this will work best in tandem with medication and psychological strategies for coping with that illness.

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    Dr David Wells

    Clinical Psychologist, Counsellor, Psychologist

    Dr David Wells is a fully registered Psychologist with the Psychology Board of Australia. David has experience in both private practice and public sector work.Although … View Profile

    Self-worth can come about when we notice our achievements. When we lose a relationship we go through a grief process. A good therapist will be able to assist you with these issues. Talk it through with your GP.

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    Jade Hucker

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Self worth and self esteem are interesting concepts that have received some attention amongst Psychologists recently. As it turns out self esteem may actually not be a terribly useful concept as it often relies on external factors that naturally go up and down. For example, you may feel like your self esteem is low when a relationship breaks up or high when you get a promotion and so it is a little outside of our control.
    A more useful concept may be self compassion, which is about recognising that you are worthy simply because you are a human being and that good and bad things happen to everyone. Instead of kicking yourself and blaming yourself when things go wrong, try comforting yourself as you might do with a friend who was experiencing something similar. Dr Kristin Neff has a really nice website with videos and other resources that explain this concept in more depth. Please check it out www.self-compassion.org

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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    Yes, there are ways to develop self-worth. I understand you do not want to be alone forever and a diagnosis like that is very tough. Changing your self-worth is a process.

    Find some things that you enjoy, and even if you start with really small things, practice developing a habit of care for yourself that means you do what you enjoy each day. Perhaps it might be as small a thing as noticing a beautiful tree or sunset. 

    Join a support group and talk to others who have been through similar experiences and find out what has helped them. Find a therapist who can support you to get to know yourself to develop new ways of thinking about yourself and of experiencing and being.

    All the best.

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  • Heidi Smith

    Psychologist

    As a psychologist Heidi has experience in relationship counselling, trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder, anger management, depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Heidi is also … View Profile

    Hi, 

    Sounds like you have been receiving some really solid information and advice from other practitioners. 

    I would like to add to this by providing some great tools my clients use to rebuild their selfesteem.

    I know a great hypnotherapy MP3 for lifting self-esteem:

    http://www.mindmotivations.com/shop/happiness-and-self-esteem

    The centre for clinical interventions has a great series of workbooks to help develop self esteem these are available here:

    http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

    Its most effective to work on rebuilding self-esteem with a trained professional so I recommend you get in toch with a local psychologist. 

    Heidi

     

     

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