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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Should two people in a relationship live together to “test out” their relationship before becoming engaged or married?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
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  • Carryn Oosthuizen

    Counsellor

    Having been through the trauma of separation, divorce and remarriage (all to the same man!), I became intrigued with the relationships couples forge with each … View Profile

    Interestingly, research shows that living together is not really a great indicator of marital success. Whether someone does or doesn't live with their spouse prior to marriage doesn't predicate success or failure. I think the primary reason for this is that the key differentiator between marraige and co-habitation is the degree of commitment and seeing as you cannot replicate that, it doesn't really replicate marraige. It may be able to help you identify those day-to-day irritations, but whether you would be able to live with those with a bigger commitment would still be a difficult question to answer.

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  • Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    As Carryn has said, the research indicates that you're no more likely to stay together whether you live together before marriage or not.

    Whether you decide to live together first or not, though, it IS important to really get to know each other well - including working through what your ideas and values are about a whole range of issues. These may include - who does what around the house, how you think about money etc etc. If you both have similiar views (for example, if you both are happy with traditional gender roles around who does the housework, cooking etc) then that's great; if not, it's important to find out to what extent you are both prepared to change in order to accommodate the other's preferences.

    Often living together is a chance to work through these issues (they tend to come up in the context of running a household and budget together). Another way to explore them is to attend either a pre-marriage course or relationship counselling, where you can be supported to identify and work through potential areas of difference that may cause conflict or even relationship breakdown down the track.

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  • Colleen Morris

    Psychologist

    Colleen Morris is a Clinical Family Therapist and Counsellor in Geelong, Victoria. Colleen works with individuals, couples and families, to promote growth, wellness and potential. … View Profile

    Every relationship is unique. It’s difficult for anybody outside the relationship to say that you should do or shouldn’t do something. However, having said that, I would like to say that there has been a lot of research done about cohabitating before marriage because that’s quite prevalent now. That’s the way people generally do a relationship. What research is saying these days is that people who live together before marriage tend, though not always, to be less satisfied with their marriage and are more likely to divorce than couples who do it the other way around.

    What I would suggest is that you and your partner think more deeply about the motives for wanting to test whether this is right or not. I would suggest that you’ll be well worth investing some time and money into going to a relationship counselor and actually talk about this. Developing your communication skills and developing your comfort revelation skills and important because it’s these skills that are a better indicator of whether your marriage will last. I suggest you go that route and then if you decide it’s right for you to do live together before you get married, you do so. Make sure you have thought carefully about it and talked through the possible consequences for youyou’re your partner.

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  • Emma Webster

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    I am a warm, supportive and compassionate therapist, committed to assisting my clients to connect to their inner wisdom and strength, to develop mindful awareness … View Profile

    I think that this question is really personal and there are pros and cons to both. A lot of psychologists tend to have different opinions. There is some research that does show that living together before marriage can lead to high divorce rates.

    Often what differentiates it is, are you moving in with the expectation of a long-term commitment, and also, how do you feel about the relationship? Ideally, you'll make a decision by exploring individually, and then together, what really matters in your relationship. Talking about what it means to you and what you are looking for in a relationship will make it clearer what decision is good for you.

    Some tips in order to decide and not just slide into living together include:
    * Give it enough time before taking a leap
    * Talk together about your values and beliefs
    * Make sure you think about specific questions such as, How do I feel about this person in general? Do they accept me? Do they help me to feel valued? Do I feel safe talking about things? Do we trust each other?
    *It is important to have a plan and consider what you'll do next in terms of your relationship
    * Talk about how you resolve conflict and your ability to resolve conflict

    If you're really stuck, it may be helpful to seek therapy or speak to an expert to help you make that decision.

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    Navida Aslam

    Counsellor

    I am a kind and passionate human being who likes to take care of everybody who is in pain. I specialise in providing relief from … View Profile

    My first instinct would say - “No.” It would be so, because marriage or any partnership, is a gamble - you don't know. Anything can happen later on in life. He or she might be the perfect person to spend your entire life with at that present decision making moment, but things do not remain just as same. So even if you live together, that's not a guarantee that you're going to be happy after all. It just has to be a ‘trial and error way.’ Religious people believe in the spiritual bonding. Individuals who choose to make an extra effort constantly, to keep their partners happy are the ones who end up having a successful relationship that lasts a lifetime. It is always a matter of ‘Choice and giving up your Ego.’

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